Blank

I can't seem to be inspired when I'm not sad
I still have thoughts
but I'm not compelled to put them down
To be boring, that I am
I can't find the special things about me to say
I don't have the urges that I need to write about
To put out into the world
All I have is the usual blandness that is
my resting state
It's not the best feeling in the world
It can be a struggle sometimes actually
It's not like the black pit that haunts me when
hard times come
It's like the gray on a computer monitor when it dinks out
Occasionally flickering, adding some variety to my day
But mostly steady
Humming in the background
A tune I can't tune out

give and receive

It's hard for me
Personally
In my personal opinion
To accept praise

I have no issues with giving it
With giving things, thoughts, feelings
Love
Affection
Affirmations
Declarations of (_____)
.......
I just can't take what I dish out

It's hard for me to believe I am
worth the words/time/consideration
After years of being unworthy
At least being told I am
I believe it to be
In my personal opinion
True
An incorrigible fact

So when I
Myself
Me
Am reciprocated
I can't
Believe it

So I squirm, I wriggle inside
My body rejects that notion as niceties
Mere politeness as they pity me in my incompetence


IN PROGRESS

Self-care

Pity the fool that doesn't take care of themself
Pray that they find worth in their own happiness and comfort
Pray that they see how a weary soul cannot help others
That their wariness will eventually spill over
And whet the hurting and worry around them
Making them primed to prick
Those that come closest

Confession

Why do I only use this thing when I'm feeling bad?
Is this just a garbage dump for all my negative feelings,
All my thoughts of hating the world and myself
Of hating the fact that I'm inadequate
Utterly so
Creating junk so useless and toxic
That it perpetuates that cycle of shame that I feel
For existing
For taking up space

Listless

It's hard making lists when you don't have anything

you want

when you don't have anything

to look forward to

Lists need a reason to be made

so what do you put down

when you have no reasons to 

no desire to

put together a bunch of things that you think are important

and need to be remembered

Feel Like Me

Looking for the words to express how I feel
Feels like looking into a dark pit and trying to drag up its contents with my mind
There are few things more frustrating for me
To not be the master of my feelings
To not know what to call the tingles in my body
No control over it
I'm chained to myself and my thoughts, with no hope
Hoping for a release
A miracle solution to make you understand

Maybe I should just make you feel like me.

It's real

A struggle against your strongest opponent,
Your lesser self,
Breaks tradition,
Leading to increases in wish fulfillment.